Why Do Couples Keep Miscommunicating? What the Process Communication Model® Reveals
Episode 2: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
You said the same thing you always say. They heard something completely different. Again. If this cycle sounds familiar, the problem is probably not what you are saying. It is how your brain is wired to say it, because communication styles in relationships run deeper than words. The Process Communication Model® explains why: there is no one way of communicating that works for everyone.
Related: What is the Process Communication Model®?.
Related: PCM® vs DISC: how the models compare.
Why Does the Same Conversation Keep Going Sideways?
Most couples assume they speak the same language because they share a household, a history, and a vocabulary. But PCM® holds that all six personality types live in each of us to varying degrees, and the base we are born with shapes how we perceive the world. One partner may process through feelings and warmth. The other may process through data and efficiency. Neither is wrong, but when those filters collide without awareness, even a conversation about buying a couch becomes a fight.
Picture a couple shopping for a couch. One says, “I love it. It’s more comfortable. I feel safer with this.” The other is moved by data about efficiency or cost savings and argues, “This is the best quality; it’s worth it.” Both make valid points, and neither lands, because each is arguing in the language that moves them.
How Communication Styles in Relationships Shape What Your Partner Hears
The Process Communication Model®, developed by Dr. Taibi Kahler, identifies six personality types. Each type has a primary perception, which is the lens through which they experience reality. Harmonizers perceive through emotion. Persisters perceive through values and opinions.
We are all more predictable than we realize.
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
When your partner speaks from their perception and you listen from yours, the message gets scrambled. You can feel sure you chose the right words and still have them land totally differently because of tone, word choice, posture and energy. The good news is that these patterns are predictable, and predictable means learnable.
Related: Take a PCM® assessment.
Related: PCM® vs Myers-Briggs: why PCM® goes deeper.
How Did NASA Use This Model?
While developing his mini-script, Dr. Kahler sat in on NASA astronaut interviews through a psychiatrist friend who worked on selection. He took notes for a few minutes, watching words, expressions, gestures and posture, then put his notebook under his chair. At the end of the multi-hour interview, his notes proved shockingly predictive and accurate. A large share of the people selected were wired with a purpose-driven, opinionated, logical style. The same pattern-reading works at home.
“None of these assessments totally sum up who a person is. We are far more complicated than any test. But some models are better than others.”
Matt Gallagher, paraphrasing Dr. Taibi Kahler
What Can Couples Do Right Now to Communicate Better?
- Identify your own perception first. Before trying to change how your partner communicates, understand your own default lens. Do you take in the world through emotion first, or through opinions and logic?
- Learn to translate, not convert. The goal is not to make your partner think like you. It is to deliver your message in a language they can actually receive.
- Watch for distress behaviors. Under stress, personality strengths get exaggerated. Enthusiasm and energy can become obnoxious. Determination can become controlling or inflexible, a bulldozer. Spotting the pattern early helps you see that the fight is rarely about the thing you are arguing about.
Related: How distress patterns create conflict.
Why Most Communication Advice Falls Short
Plenty of couples are saying the same thing while arguing as if they disagree. Most communication tips assume both partners process information the same way. PCM® adds the missing layer: it shows you how your partner perceives, so your message reaches the part of them that moves them.
Related: Which communication framework is best?.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the Process Communication Model®?
The Process Communication Model® is a communication and motivation framework developed by Dr. Taibi Kahler. It identifies six personality types present in every person and maps how each type communicates, what motivates them, and how they behave under stress. One of its claims to fame is early NASA research in which Dr. Kahler’s brief interview notes proved highly predictive.
Can PCM® really help my relationship?
Yes. PCM® gives you a specific, practical framework for understanding why your partner responds the way they do. Instead of guessing or arguing about whose communication style is “right,” you learn to speak in the perceptual language your partner can actually receive. It also gives you a code for seeing that many arguments are really about how you communicate.
Do both partners need to learn PCM® for it to work?
One partner learning PCM® can make a difference, because when you shift how you deliver a message, the response can change. It goes further when you both learn it: if you can each see who you are and be at peace with it, neither of you has to get defensive, and you can find ways to mesh.
Ready to Communicate Without the Same Old Fight?
Stop guessing and start connecting. Our couples communication workshop teaches you and your partner to speak each other’s language in one transformative day.