Why Can’t I Stop Reliving the Past? How Trauma Gets Stuck and What Actually Helps
Episode 6: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
You are not remembering it. You are reliving it. That is the difference between a normal memory and a trauma response, and it is the reason you cannot just “get over it” no matter how many times someone tells you to. Knowing how trauma gets stuck in the nervous system, and what trauma therapy techniques like EMDR and Brainspotting involve, can make getting help feel a lot less mysterious. Licensed therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher, both trained in EMDR, use techniques like these with clients every day.
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
Related: How PCM® compares to other frameworks.
Why Does Trauma Feel Like It Is Happening Right Now?
Most memories are ones you simply recall, like where you ate last week. One definition of trauma is a negative experience that gets locked in the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain, which reacts much faster than the thinking part and is not under your control. When something reminds you of it, your body reacts before you can think: your chest tightens, your throat gets tight, your stomach hurts, and you mobilize to fight or flee.
In Matt Gallagher’s words, “We’re not recalling it, we’re reliving it.” Trauma work helps move that locked distress. When the brain can use both hemispheres instead of staying stuck in the limbic center, the intensity gets dialed down.
Related: Understanding distress and the nervous system.
What Is EMDR and How Does It Work?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) uses bilateral stimulation, typically guided eye movements, to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories. Matt shares a story from his EMDR training practicum. He worked with a Vietnam veteran who had been in therapy five or six times but could never process one specific combat memory. Following the EMDR protocol, the veteran went from a 10 out of 10 distress rating to about a 1. He told Matt, “I have never been able to process this.”
We are not recalling it, we are reliving it.
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
EMDR does not erase the memory. You still remember what happened; it just stops carrying the same emotional and physical punch.
Related: Therapy approaches we use.
What Other Trauma Therapy Techniques Help?
- Brainspotting. Developed when Dr. David Grand noticed a figure skater’s eyes wobble at a particular spot during EMDR. He held that spot with her, and she processed the fear tied to the jump she kept falling on. The next time she was on the rink, she nailed it. Brainspotting can be used both to process trauma and to find calming, comforting spots.
- Somatic Experiencing. Trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Somatic approaches help you notice physical sensations connected to trauma and gradually release the stored survival energy that keeps your nervous system on high alert.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS treats the psyche as containing multiple “parts,” each carrying different emotions and protective roles. Trauma work in IFS involves accessing the wounded parts with compassion from your core self.
Related: Which assessment framework is right for you?.
What Can You Do Right Now If You Are Struggling?
These resourcing techniques work between therapy sessions or anytime your nervous system feels overwhelmed. Keep the list in a note on your phone, so when you are dysregulated you only have to remember where to look:
- Butterfly hug. Cross your arms over your chest and alternately tap your shoulders. This bilateral stimulation can calm the nervous system in real time.
- Box breathing. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale slowly over 8. If that is too much, try 3-5-7 or 2-4-5. Breathing too fast pulls in too much oxygen and can make panic worse, so slow it down.
- Grounding. Feel your feet planted on the floor, or step barefoot into the grass if it is safe, and wiggle your feet until you feel solid and present rather than like you are floating away. As you breathe, imagine drawing the negativity, hurt, and overwhelm up through your body and releasing it back down and out through your foot into the ground, where it can do something productive. This pulls your awareness back into the present moment.
- Containment visualization. Picture a box, a safe, or even a Ghostbusters trap. Mentally place the intrusive memory inside and close it. This is not repressing it; you are taking ownership of it. Some people ask their therapist to keep it for them, contained in the office.
“If you have experienced your trauma, you have already lived through the worst part of it. You survived the hardest part.”
Sarah Thome
Frequently Asked Questions
Is EMDR therapy legitimate?
Yes. EMDR was developed by Francine Shapiro and is one of several evidence-based approaches Sarah and Matt use for trauma. For Matt Gallagher, who went through EMDR as a client before training in it, it was game changing: “Oh, this is what it’s like to not live in anxiety.” It does not erase a memory. It dials down the emotional and physical intensity attached to it.
How do I know if I have unresolved trauma?
Common signs include avoiding talking about what happened, avoiding feeling or picturing anything connected to it, steering clear of reminders, hypervigilance, trouble sleeping, restlessness, appetite changes, and mood shifts like depression, fear, or anxiety. Some people also feel a limited sense of their future, as if things will not be okay. If any of these sound familiar, a trauma-informed therapist can help you assess what is going on.
Can trauma therapy make things worse before they get better?
It can happen. Some people feel up and down for two or three days after a big session, a kind of emotional hangover, much like sore muscles after a hard workout. A skilled therapist goes at your pace, without flooding your nervous system and without avoiding the work either.
Find Your Communication Style.
You do not have to process this alone. Reach out for a consultation and take the first step toward healing.