Why Can’t I See My Own Blind Spots? How Cognitive Distortions Sabotage Relationships
Episode 11: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
You are absolutely certain your partner is mad at you. They came home quiet, barely made eye contact, and gave one-word answers. You have been spiraling for an hour. Then you ask how their day was, and it turns out they had a brutal meeting and are just mentally exhausted. It had nothing to do with you. That leap is a cognitive distortion, and the hardest ones to catch are the ones sitting in your blind spots.
Related: Understanding communication patterns.
Related: PCM® vs MBTI: which reveals blind spots better?.
What Are Cognitive Distortions and Why Do They Matter?
Cognitive distortions are automatic thinking errors that warp how you interpret reality. They include mind-reading (assuming you know what someone else is thinking), catastrophizing (jumping to the worst possible outcome), all-or-nothing thinking (everything is either perfect or a disaster), and emotional reasoning (if I feel it, it must be true). Everyone has them. You’re not guilty for having an automatic thought; you can’t control those. The work is noticing them.
Stress makes it worse. The more distress and upset you’re experiencing, the less insight you have, and the more justified you feel. In PCM® terms, a Persister in distress may plow through your boundaries without noticing, while a Harmonizer may slide into martyrdom: “I’ll do it, don’t worry. I’ve been here since eight o’clock this morning, but I’ll do it.”
What Does This Look Like in Everyday Life?
Say your partner comes home quieter than usual. It’s easy to mind-read: “I bet he’s mad because I forgot to pick up his prescription.” Or you can ask, “Hey babe, how was your day?” and hear, “It was just really grinding on spreadsheets and dealing with some graphic design all day. My brain’s just fried.” One question can rescue you from a lot of ridiculous distress.
By definition, you don’t know what your blind spots are.
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
Sarah caught one of her own before the last Friday school Mass of the year. When she asked whether her kids would sit with her, her little one said, “Um, probably not.” She was tempted to guilt-trip (“Let me be the only parent without their children sitting with them”) and instead said, “Okay, well, if you change your mind, I’ll be there.” At Mass she really was the only parent in her section sitting alone, and she was fine, because she knows her kids love her.
“When you’re phasing, you’re the last to know.”
A speaker at the International PCM® Conference, as recalled by Matt Gallagher
How Do You Spot Your Own Blind Spots?
The Johari Window model offers a useful framework. It divides self-knowledge into four quadrants: what both you and others know about you, what only you know, what others see but you do not (your blind spots), and what nobody has yet discovered. The goal of therapy, honest friendship, and tools like PCM® is to shrink that blind spot quadrant.
- Assume you have blind spots. The moment you believe you see yourself clearly is the moment you are most likely to miss something. Humility is the starting position.
- Ask people who love you what they see. Your partner, your best friend, your therapist. They have been watching your patterns for years. Let them hold up the mirror.
- Learn the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I did something wrong, let me change.” Shame says “I am inherently bad.” If you feel guilty but cannot point to anything you actually did wrong, that is just shame wearing a guilt costume.
Related: Communication workshops.
Related: Compare assessment frameworks.
Why Curiosity Is the Antidote
Be open and curious. Curious isn’t judgmental; curious just wants to discover. When you catch yourself building a story about what someone is thinking, ask instead. Sarah would rather her kids say, “Hey Mom, you seem grumpy. Are you okay?” than assume she’s mad at them, so she can answer, “I’m actually not mad at you. I’m just really tired.”
Turn the same curiosity on yourself. Your assumptions are built on past experience, which is real, but it may not match what’s in front of you. And the more certain you feel that you’re right, the more that’s a cue to check yourself.
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the most common cognitive distortion in relationships?
Personalization and catastrophizing both come up constantly. Personalization decides your partner’s bad mood must be about you, when they may have just wrecked their car. For catastrophizing, picture the worst case, then the ridiculous best case, and remember that most of life lands somewhere in the middle.
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is a healthy emotional response that says “I did something that does not align with my values, and I want to correct it.” Shame attacks your identity and says “I am fundamentally broken or bad.” If you feel guilty but cannot identify a specific behavior you need to change, you are likely experiencing shame, not guilt.
How does PCM® help with cognitive distortions?
PCM® shows you how your personality type tends to behave in distress, which is exactly when insight drops. A Persister may plow through boundaries; a Harmonizer may go victim-y and guilt-trip. Once you know your pattern, you can ask the people close to you to call it out, because when you’re phasing, you’re the last to know.
Ready to Communicate Without the Same Old Fight?
Discover your blind spots together. Our couples communication workshop teaches you to see the patterns you cannot see alone.