Why Am I Always the One Who’s Wrong? How Both/And Thinking Transforms Relationships
Episode 4: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
If every argument ends with you feeling like the villain, or if your partner can never seem to admit fault, you are probably trapped in either/or thinking. On Episode 4 of Behind the Therapy Door, therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher introduce a concept that changes everything: both/and. Two things can be true at the same time, and learning to hold that tension is the difference between relationships that grow and relationships that grind to a halt.
Related: Communication in relationships.
Related: PCM® vs Gottman: different approaches to couples work.
What Is Both/And Thinking and Why Does It Matter in Relationships?
Either/or thinking says someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Both/and thinking says two people can have valid perspectives simultaneously. Your partner can be exhausted and still responsible for how they speak to you. You can be hurt and still capable of giving grace. Sarah puts it simply: “Life is rarely best-case scenario or worst-case scenario. There is a lot of both.”
This is not about excusing bad behavior. It is about expanding your capacity to hold complexity. When you can be both angry and compassionate at the same time, you stop needing someone to be the villain in order for you to be the victim.
Related: What is PCM®?.
How the Process Communication Model® Explains Why You Get Stuck in Either/Or
PCM® maps how each personality type escalates under stress. When distress deepens, your thinking narrows. Matt describes it as a grip: “The more certain I am, the more likely I am that I am missing something. The tighter my grip, the more something is going to slip through.” PCM® calls the healthy baseline a Plus/Plus life position, meaning “I am okay, you are okay.” Distress pulls us into Plus/Minus (“I am right, you are wrong”) or Minus/Minus (“We are both screwed”).
Life is rarely best-case scenario or worst-case scenario. There is a lot of both.
Sarah Thome, Behind the Therapy Door
Sarah shares a parenting example. Her oldest son got bad news about missing track season and snapped at her. Her knee-jerk was to fire back. But she caught herself: “I am both angry about how he spoke to me and aware that he just got really painful news. I am going to give him grace.” That pause, that both/and, prevented a blowup and modeled emotional maturity.
“The more distress you are in, the less aware you are of it.”
— Matt Gallagher
Related: PCM® distress patterns.
Related: Which personality framework explains this best?.
Practical Ways to Practice Both/And Today
- Trade either/or for both/and. Two things can be true at once: you can prefer your own perspective and still stay genuinely open to your partner’s. Holding both keeps you listening instead of just waiting for your turn to make a point.
- Lead with curiosity, not judgment. When someone acts aggressively, try “I wonder what they are going through” before “What a jerk.” Matt shares how this reframe changed an entire interaction with a struggling student.
- Name both truths out loud. Tell your partner: “I am frustrated and I understand why you did that.” Hearing both truths acknowledged reduces defensiveness instantly.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does both/and mean in a relationship?
Both/and is the ability to hold two seemingly opposing truths at the same time. In relationships, it means acknowledging that your partner can be stressed and still accountable, that you can feel hurt and still offer compassion. The Process Communication Model® helps you see which distress pattern is narrowing your thinking into either/or so you can consciously expand back to both/and.
How do I stop feeling like I am always wrong in arguments?
Feeling like the perpetual villain often signals an either/or dynamic where one partner takes all the blame while the other avoids accountability. Both/and reframes the conversation so that both perspectives are valid. A PCM® workshop can help you identify the distress patterns driving this cycle and give you tools to interrupt it.
Is both/and thinking the same as people-pleasing?
No. People-pleasing means abandoning your own needs to avoid conflict. Both/and means honoring your feelings while also making room for your partner’s perspective. You are not giving in. You are expanding your capacity to hold complexity without losing yourself in the process.
Ready to Communicate Without the Same Old Fight?
Learn to hold both/and in real time. Our couples workshop teaches you the PCM® framework for staying connected even during conflict.