Why Am I Always the One Who’s Wrong? How Both/And Thinking Transforms Relationships
Episode 4: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
If every argument ends with you feeling like the villain, or if your partner can never seem to admit fault, you are probably trapped in either/or thinking. The way out is a habit called both/and: two things can be true at the same time. You can prefer your own opinion and still listen to your partner’s. Someone can be really angry, and it can have nothing to do with you, even if they say it does. It is a technique licensed therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher teach and try to practice themselves.
Related: Communication in relationships.
Related: PCM® vs Gottman: different approaches to couples work.
What Is Both/And Thinking and Why Does It Matter in Relationships?
Either/or thinking says someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Both/and thinking says two people can have valid perspectives simultaneously. Your partner can be exhausted and still responsible for how they speak to you. You can be hurt and still capable of giving grace. Life is rarely best-case or worst-case scenario; there is a lot of both.
Both/and does not mean giving away your power, and abuse is a different conversation. It is for everyday friction: the waiter who is behind on every table, the surgeon running late, the partner who is grumpy for reasons you cannot see yet.
Related: What is PCM®?.
How the Process Communication Model® Explains Why You Get Stuck in Either/Or
In distress, you fixate on one thing and lose the flexibility to consider both sides. PCM® calls the healthy baseline a plus/plus life position: “I’m okay, you’re okay.” Distress pulls us into plus/negative, where one person assumes superiority and plows through, or negative/negative, where both people are in distress and nobody wins. Sensitive, compassionate people tend to default to assuming they are the one who is wrong.
Life is rarely best-case scenario or worst-case scenario. There’s a lot of both.
Sarah Thome, Behind the Therapy Door
Here is what that looks like at home. Sarah’s oldest son learned he had to sit out track season, his favorite thing, for health reasons. He snapped at her, and to be fair, her own tone had not been nice when she asked him to do something. Her knee-jerk reaction was “Oh no you didn’t.” Instead she held both: she was angry, and he had just gotten crappy news that ruined his season. She chose to give him some grace and not react.
“When we lead with empathy for other people, it changes how they interact. To me it’s like throwing water on a fire.”
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
Related: Which personality framework explains this best?.
Practical Ways to Practice Both/And Today
- Trade either/or for both/and. Two things can be true at once: you can prefer your own perspective and still stay genuinely open to your partner’s. Holding both keeps you listening instead of just waiting for your turn to make a point.
- Lead with curiosity, not judgment. When someone is grumpy and irritable with you, try “I wonder what they are going through” before “What a jerk.” When a student once came in irritable and upset, Matt’s first thought was “Oh, what’s going on, buddy?” and he asked, “Hey, how are you doing?”
- Name both truths out loud. If something your partner said really hurt, try: “I am feeling really confused by what you just said. Can we talk through it? Because my feelings are hurt and I don’t think that’s what you meant. Can you say it differently?”
Frequently Asked Questions
What does both/and mean in a relationship?
Both/and is the ability to hold two seemingly opposing truths at the same time. In relationships, it means acknowledging that your partner can be stressed and still accountable, that you can feel hurt and still offer compassion. The Process Communication Model® helps you see which distress pattern is narrowing your thinking into either/or so you can consciously expand back to both/and.
How do I stop feeling like I am always wrong in arguments?
If you are a sensitive, compassionate person, your gut reaction when someone is mad may be “What did I do wrong?” Try holding both: yes, they are really angry, and it may have nothing to do with you. A PCM® workshop can help you identify the distress patterns driving this cycle and give you tools to interrupt it.
Is both/and thinking the same as people-pleasing?
No. People-pleasing means abandoning your own needs to avoid conflict. Both/and means honoring your feelings while also making room for your partner’s perspective. You keep your opinion and your power. You just keep listening, too.
Ready to Communicate Without the Same Old Fight?
Learn to hold both/and in real time. Our couples workshop teaches you the PCM® framework for staying connected even during conflict.