How Much Should Your Therapist Share With You? The Art of Self-Disclosure in Therapy
Episode 33: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
Your therapist just said something personal. Maybe they mentioned their own kids, admitted they have been through something similar, or laughed about making the same mistake you are describing. It felt human. It felt connecting. But was this kind of therapist self-disclosure appropriate? And if it was, where is the line?
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
What Is Self-Disclosure in Therapy and Why Does It Matter?
Self-disclosure is the deliberate sharing of personal information by a therapist during a session. It is not oversharing. It is not making the session about them. When done skillfully, it normalizes the client’s experience and builds the kind of genuine rapport that rigid professional distance cannot replicate.
For therapists, self-disclosure is less about rules and more about reading the person in front of them. For you, it helps to know what good sharing looks like, and what it does not.
Related: What is the Process Communication Model®?.
How Do Therapists Decide What to Share and What to Keep Private?
The answer depends on the client, the moment, and the therapeutic relationship. Sarah describes it as an “artistic dance”: you are juggling multiple factors with every person, and the song changes because clients change, even week to week.
“I don’t want to make this about me, but I remember when my kids were little, I struggled with that too.”
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
Key principles both therapists follow:
- Share enough to normalize, not so much that the focus shifts to the therapist
- Different clients need different levels of transparency; some want to know their therapist is human, while others prefer professional boundaries
- Self-disclosure is a form of compassion, not a form of friendship
- Always ask yourself: is this for the client or for me?
Appropriate self-disclosure is another form of compassion. A line like “I don’t want to overshare, but I’ll go home and make the same mistakes” reminds you that your therapist is human too. Clients frequently respond with “I am so glad I am not the only one.”
What Does Oversharing Look Like in a Therapy Session?
Oversharing is when the therapist is getting a personal need met: unloading their weekend, their grief, their woes, with no benefit to you. One client described a previous therapist this way: “My last therapist spent twenty minutes telling me about their weekend.” Warning signs:
- The therapist talks about their own problems without connecting it back to the client’s work
- You glaze over, stop responding, or glance up at the clock while your therapist keeps talking
- The therapist shares details about their personal life that serve no therapeutic purpose
- The session becomes about the therapist’s experience rather than the client’s growth
Purposeful sharing has a job to do. Sarah Thome, LSCSW, hates June bugs. With clients who have debilitating OCD symptoms, she walks through the exposures she did because she was tired of running into the house and missing evenings with her kids. It is uncomfortable, it is icky, and it gets better and better. That story shows you the way through, which is the point.
How Does PCM® Personality Type Affect What a Client Needs From Their Therapist?
Personality type shapes a therapist’s blind spots. Matt Gallagher, LCPC, has a Thinker default to share almost nothing: there are no family photos in his office, and part of him wants to say, “Seriously, none of your business.” Sarah’s blind spot runs the other way. She genuinely thinks, “I’m interesting,” so she could lean toward oversharing. And even the same client changes week to week.
“My hope is that we see self-disclosure as an artistic dance.”
Sarah Thome, Behind the Therapy Door
What Should You Expect From Your Therapist Regarding Personal Sharing?
If you are a therapy client wondering whether your therapist’s personal sharing is appropriate, here are some benchmarks.
- Their sharing should feel normalizing, not burdensome
- You should never feel like you need to take care of your therapist’s feelings
- The conversation should always come back to your work, your growth, your goals
- It is perfectly okay to tell your therapist if their sharing feels like too much or not enough, because good therapists welcome that feedback
Matt’s promise to clients: “I’m a sure thing. This is what you get from me. It’s consistent. This is probably the safest place to try something new.” Good self-disclosure fits inside that consistency.
Related: What does starting therapy feel like?.
How Does Self-Disclosure Build the Therapeutic Relationship?
A non-anxious, non-judgmental presence is the biggest part of a therapist’s job and the biggest healing factor in the therapeutic relationship. The safety it creates is what lets you do the hard work: if you do not feel safe with your therapist, you are not going to go spelunking through your trauma history. Self-disclosure is one of the tools that builds that relationship.
If a therapist shares nothing, there is nothing for you to connect with. As Sarah Thome, LSCSW, puts it, “If we don’t give clients something to connect with, they can’t feel us.” That connection is also what AI cannot give you. People who have run their questions through ChatGPT often follow it with, “It doesn’t feel the same.”
Related: Why the therapeutic relationship matters more than the method.
What Can Young Therapists Learn About Self-Disclosure?
Both Sarah and Matt acknowledge that self-disclosure is harder early in your career. You are still finding your therapeutic voice, your confidence is building, and the line between appropriate and inappropriate feels ambiguous.
Their advice: give yourself a break, watch for cues (a client who shuts down or glances at the clock is telling you to dial it back), remember WAIT (“Why Am I Talking?”), and ask your clients directly. “Does this feel like a healthy balance?” is a question that invites collaboration and models the kind of open communication therapy is supposed to teach.
Related: PCM® training for therapists.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it okay for my therapist to share personal information?
Yes, when done intentionally. Appropriate self-disclosure normalizes your experience, builds trust, and shows you that your therapist is a real person who understands struggle. The key is that their sharing should serve your therapeutic goals, not theirs.
How do I know if my therapist is oversharing?
If you find yourself managing your therapist’s emotions, if the session focus shifts to their problems, or if their disclosures feel more like venting than connecting, those are signs the balance has tipped. A good therapist will welcome your feedback about this.
Should I tell my therapist if their sharing makes me uncomfortable?
Absolutely. Good therapists want to know. Telling them gives them valuable information about what you need from the therapeutic relationship, and it is an excellent example of the kind of honest communication therapy is designed to build.
Does personality type affect how much a therapist should share?
Yes, and it cuts both ways. A therapist with a Thinker default may undershare, while one who loves telling stories may overshare. Clients differ too, which is why good therapists keep checking in: “Do you want to hear more about this? Is this helpful?”
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