How to Set Boundaries Without Losing the Relationship
Episode 9: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
You know you need boundaries. You also know that the moment you set one, someone is going to be upset. So you keep swallowing your needs, walking on eggshells, and hoping the problem resolves itself. There is a middle path between walking on eggshells and walking the coals, and it starts with saying what you need with care.
Related: Communication in relationships.
Related: PCM® vs Enneagram: understanding personality frameworks.
Why Are Boundaries So Hard to Set?
A boundary is where you end and the other person begins. Easy to define, hard to hold. You walk on eggshells because you don’t want to upset anyone, so you let them drink out of your coffee mug again and again, until one day you’re upset enough to say something. By then you’re not really in control of it. It comes out as a reaction.
Personality and attachment both play a role. Some people have no problem setting boundaries, and some of them don’t even see yours: “Why wouldn’t you share your coffee with me?”
Related: PCM® personality types and distress.
How the Process Communication Model® Explains Boundary Struggles
Each PCM® personality type has a distinct relationship with boundaries, and under distress each one violates or avoids them differently. Harmonizers struggle to set a boundary at all. Persisters stop noticing others’ boundaries and roll right into their stuff. Thinkers try to control all of your stuff. Rebels, who tend toward avoidance, blow through walls with their energy.
Where I end and you begin.
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
Knowing your type tells you which way you’re likely to slip when you’re in distress.
Related: Compare PCM® to other personality models.
What Does a Healthy Boundary Actually Sound Like?
Sarah teaches the sandwich approach: start with a positive, deliver the boundary, close with a positive. Here is her example: “I love seeing you and our time together is so important. What I am going to need you to do is call before you arrive. I am so glad because we have so much fun when we are together.”
You’re telling this person how much you care about them while valuing yourself enough to say, “Here’s what I need.” Some people don’t need the bread and would rather you give it to them straight. Think of the mother-in-law on Everybody Loves Raymond who walks in the back door unannounced. Some families love that. If you don’t, and you don’t feel free to say so, you’re a hostage in your own home.
“Part of recognizing boundaries is taking ‘no’ for an answer.”
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
Related: Communication strategies for families.
What Happens When You Do Not Set Boundaries?
It’s easy to decide a hard conversation is “just not worth the conflict.” Then ask what it costs you if you don’t have it: you end up disheartened, disconnected, and internally resentful and bitter.
- Resentment builds quietly. Every yes you didn’t mean adds to it, and when you finally speak up, it comes out as a reaction instead of a choice.
- Your partner cannot read your mind. If you have not clearly stated your need, you cannot blame them for not meeting it.
- Boundaries make closeness safer. Healthy boundaries go hand in hand with safe, secure attachment, and two distinct people are freer to have a healthy relationship than two people stuck together like conjoined twins, where every move one makes pulls on the other.
Related: Workshop options.
How Do Boundaries Connect to Attachment and Codependency?
Two books are worth your time here. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend describes a law of motivation: if you say yes because you’re afraid (they’ll be mad, you’ll be alone, you’ll lose credit), you can’t give an honest answer and own it. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie names the root: your sense of who you are comes from what someone else thinks of you.
If you’re exhausted from tiptoeing, what if you just start crushing the eggshells? Neither extreme works, though. Eggshells keep everything inside, and walking the coals loud and proud assumes everybody will just tolerate you. The sandwich approach sits in the middle.
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I set a boundary without hurting someone’s feelings?
Use the sandwich approach: lead with genuine warmth, state your specific need clearly and calmly, then close with another positive affirmation. The goal is not to avoid all discomfort. Some people will feel uncomfortable when you set a boundary, and that is okay. Their discomfort does not make your need invalid.
What if someone gets angry when I set a boundary?
Expect some hurt feelings, especially from someone who hasn’t worked on their own boundaries: “Oh, you want me to call? So we’re not as close as I thought we were.” They may pout or turn passive-aggressive. It’s uncomfortable, and it’s still worth it.
Is setting boundaries selfish?
No. Setting boundaries is one of the most relational things you can do. Without boundaries, resentment builds, connection deteriorates, and the relationship suffers. Healthy boundaries protect the relationship by ensuring both people can show up honestly rather than performing compliance while internally seething.
Ready to Communicate Without the Same Old Fight?
Learn to set boundaries that strengthen your relationships. Our couples workshop teaches you and your partner how to communicate needs without fear.