How to Navigate Life Transitions Without Losing Yourself
Episode 32: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
Your youngest just graduated. Your oldest is moving out. Your middle child is navigating a school change. Everything is shifting at once and you cannot figure out why you feel so unmoored when these are supposed to be happy milestones. Transition is hard even when the change is good. Happy milestones can still feel like grief, there is a clinical name for what you are going through, and who you are outside of parenting matters more than you think.
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
Related: Understanding personality and stress.
Why Is Coping With Life Transitions Hard Even When the Change Is Positive?
Adjustment disorder is a clinical term that most people have never heard but almost everyone has experienced. It describes the emotional and behavioral symptoms that arise when you struggle to cope with a significant life change, even a positive one. Getting promoted, moving, switching from fourth shift to first shift, watching your kids leave the nest: these are changes you can celebrate on the outside while grieving on the inside. The grief is not for what went wrong. It is for the version of life that is ending.
Sarah lives this in real time. Her three children are transitioning simultaneously: Dalton graduating high school, Parker graduating eighth grade, and Colin moving to middle school. Three different milestones. Three different emotional landscapes. And one parent trying to navigate all of them while processing her own identity shift.
Related: Communication for families.
What Does Empty Nest Grief Actually Look Like?
Matt describes walking past his daughter Maddie’s empty bedroom after she left for college. The room is still there. The furniture is still there. But the person who filled it with life is gone, and the silence has a weight to it. Part of what hurts is identity. If being a parent is the only thing you are, the kids leaving rewrites your whole role overnight. That is an enormous loss. If you also have a rich life outside parenting, there is room for both, and the transition gets easier.
“I’m constantly reminded of how fast time goes, which squeezes my big mommy heart.”
Sarah Thome, Behind the Therapy Door
A few months ago the swing set broke under Sarah’s son Parker (he was not hurt), and he said, “I’m so glad I took a picture of the swing set from my bedroom window the other day before it broke. I just wanted to remember it.” That instinct, the urge to document what is disappearing, is grief in its most tender form. Children feel transitions too. They just express it differently.
“If it lasts a few days, that’s actually seeding the clouds, resonating with the sadness, and letting yourself feel it.”
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
How Does PCM® Explain Why People Handle Transitions So Differently?
Matt Gallagher, LCPC, knows the Thinker side of himself wants to minimize distress, because spending energy on it feels like a waste. The opposite trap is real too: the highly emotional, empathetic part of us can flop all the way into the feeling and stay stuck there. Coping sits in the middle: “Okay, this is hard for me. No wonder I’m tired.”
Wiring also matters between partners. Sarah and her husband both see the world through a Harmonizer lens, so they share the sense that this is the end of an era. If your partner is wired very differently, that can be really difficult, because you may hear, “What? This is what they’re supposed to do. Why are you upset?”
Related: Compare PCM® to Enneagram.
What Practical Steps Help You Navigate Transition Without Losing Yourself?
What helps:
- Tune in to what you are actually feeling. Not what you think you should feel. Positive transitions carry hidden grief, and pretending otherwise delays the processing.
- Normalize the difficulty. Telling yourself “I should be happy about this” adds shame to grief. Replace it with “This is hard and it is supposed to be.”
- Do the hardest task first. Sarah’s cheat for transition overwhelm: tackle the thing you are dreading most, and everything after it feels lighter by comparison.
- Journal or talk it out. Write it down, or talk to a trusted loved one, ideally someone going through a similar transition so you do not feel alone.
- Exercise and move your body. Grief and stress live in the body, not just the mind. Physical movement processes what conversation alone cannot.
- Seed the clouds. Matt’s idea of leaning into the sadness that is already present, whether that means watching a show you know is sad, playing music that matches your mood, or reading old letters, so you resonate with the feeling and let yourself move through it rather than numbing it.
Related: Best communication assessment for your family.
Related: Couples communication during transitions.
Related: Contact us.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is adjustment disorder?
Adjustment disorder is the diagnosis for a change disruptive enough to your life that it alters your mood and behavior, such as adjustment disorder with anxiety and depressed mood, or with disturbance of emotions and conduct. Matt Gallagher, LCPC, calls it the catch-all diagnosis, and says he probably had one himself the year he opened his office.
Is empty nest syndrome a real condition?
The feelings are real. Matt Gallagher, LCPC, recalls David Schnarch describing research that found mothers who had not transitioned out of the role of “being needed” by their kids often struggled more later, especially with hormone changes and menopause. Having a rich, fulfilling life outside parenting, alongside it, eases the transition.
How long do life transitions take to process?
There is no fixed timeline; transitions take as long as they take. Stacked transitions (multiple life changes happening simultaneously) can extend the process considerably. If symptoms persist or worsen over time rather than easing as you build new routines, professional support can help you process what daily coping strategies cannot.
How do I support my child through a major transition?
Acknowledge their experience without minimizing it. Children and teens feel transitions deeply but may lack the vocabulary to express what they are processing. Ask open-ended questions, validate that change is hard even when it is exciting, and let them grieve at their own pace. Avoid rushing them toward positivity before they have processed the loss.
Reach the Kid You Actually Have.
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