Why Is Compromise So Hard in Relationships? A Therapist’s Guide to the Art of Compromise
Episode 21: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
You are mid-argument and you can feel it happening again. Both of you are dug in, repeating the same three sentences in slightly louder voices, and the original issue vanished twenty minutes ago. Now it is about who is right. The more upset you get, the more sure you are that you’re right, and the less you can hear. Compromise starts with interrupting that, and with an old cliché worth taking seriously: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
Related: Understanding communication patterns.
Why Does Compromise in Relationships Feel Like Losing?
In a fight, it can feel like there’s only so much to go around. Couples end up grabbing off each other’s plates, and both stay starving because each is taking what the other needs. Compromise is the trade: if I get a little of what I want and you get a little of what you want, and we keep practicing that, there is so much less conflict overall. Isn’t that a win?
Call it pride versus peace. A both/and approach means you can hold your convictions and still make room for your partner’s perspective, because they’re just as invested in their point of view. It does not require you to abandon what matters to you. It requires you to accept that what matters to your partner is equally valid.
Related: Couples communication workshop.
The more upset I am, the more confident I am that I’m right. I’m not even thinking or evaluating. It’s the opposite of curiosity.
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
How Does the Process Communication Model® Explain Compromise Struggles?
Every personality type struggles with compromise differently, and understanding your pattern is the first step toward breaking it. In PCM® terms, your personality condo and your current phase set your psychological needs. When those needs go unmet, you slide into distress, and the more distressed you are, the less awareness you have.
You can have very legitimate triggers and understandable emotional reactions, but it is still our responsibility to manage the subsequent behaviors and the words that come out.
Sarah Thome, Behind the Therapy Door
- When someone is phased to Harmonizer or Thinker and a conflict heats up, the more upset they get, the more nervous they tend to become. A Harmonizer in distress can also slip into being a victim looking for a persecutor.
- When someone is phased to Persister or Rebel and a conflict heats up, the more upset they get, the more explosive they tend to become. A Persister in distress can slip into being a persecutor looking for a victim.
Related: PCM® vs MBTI.
Related: PCM® vs Enneagram.
What Is “The Pause” and How Do You Actually Use It?
When you feel the argument escalating, stop. Take three deep breaths. Feel your feet on the floor. Then paraphrase what your partner just said: what’s the message there? Before you answer, ask one question: “Is this helpful or harmful to me and the person I’m with?” It has to be deliberate. Couples learn reflective listening in therapy and almost never do it at home, so you have to interrupt the emotional machine on purpose.
Here’s what it looks like at home. Two days after tongue-tie surgery, Sarah Thome’s 11-year-old came inside bleeding from his mouth: he and his 14-year-old brother had been boxing. She stayed calm, asked them to help her understand, ended swimming, and named the natural consequence (if it didn’t heal, they’d be figuring out how to pay for the repair). Later, around bedtime, the 14-year-old came downstairs and asked, “Mom, why am I so stupid?” Her answer: kids who make great grades and work hard are not stupid. His fun, creative ideas just come with no delay. Then she taught him the pause.
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
What Does the Platinum Rule Have to Do With Compromise?
Most people know the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. The Platinum Rule works better: treat others the way they need to be treated. Flowers and a card might thrill one partner and get a polite “Thank you, honey” from the other, who would light up for a really old Scotch. And if your partner has big feelings, an argument built only on logic and data won’t land; a hug, a high five, or flowers will.
If you are offering what you would want instead of what they need, you are speaking the wrong language and wondering why they cannot hear you. That’s why the couples workshops at The Affinity Consultants line up both partners’ PCM® profiles: a secret decoder you can keep on the fridge. Sarah frames her couples and family work around leaving with a win-win for each person, so both people walk away with a takeaway they can own.
Related: Best communication assessment tools.
Related: Workshops.
Frequently Asked Questions
How does the Platinum Rule improve compromise?
The Platinum Rule says treat people the way they need to be treated, not the way you prefer. In compromise, this means learning how your partner is wired and which personality phase they are in, then offering solutions in their language. Meeting their actual need makes agreement far easier than projecting your own.
Why do I keep having the same argument with my partner?
Repetitive arguments usually mean an underlying need is going unmet. The surface topic changes but the pattern stays the same because neither partner’s core psychological need is being addressed. PCM® identifies those needs by personality type so you can break the loop by meeting the real need instead of debating the surface issue.
Can you learn to compromise or is it a personality trait?
Compromise is a skill, not a fixed trait. Some personality types find it more natural than others, but everyone can improve with awareness and practice. Understanding your default distress pattern through PCM® helps you recognize when you are about to dig in or fold, giving you the chance to choose a healthier response before autopilot takes over.
Ready to Communicate Without the Same Old Fight?
Learn how to compromise without losing yourself. Join our next couples workshop.