Why Can’t I Stop Reliving the Past? How Trauma Gets Stuck and What Actually Helps
Episode 6: Behind the Therapy Door
This article draws on a conversation between therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher. Listen to the full episode for the stories behind the takeaways.
You are not remembering it. You are reliving it. That is the difference between a normal memory and a trauma response, and it is the reason you cannot just “get over it” no matter how many times someone tells you to. On Episode 6 of Behind the Therapy Door, therapists Sarah Thome and Matt Gallagher break down how trauma gets stored in the body, why traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough, and which evidence-based trauma therapy techniques actually help.
Related: About Sarah and Matt.
Related: How PCM® compares to other frameworks.
Why Does Trauma Feel Like It Is Happening Right Now?
Normal memories are stored in the brain’s filing system with a timestamp. You remember them, but you know they are in the past. Traumatic memories bypass that system. They get lodged in the limbic brain, the part responsible for survival, without a proper timestamp. So when something triggers the memory, your nervous system does not distinguish between “this happened ten years ago” and “this is happening right now.” Your heart races, your palms sweat, and your body goes into fight, flight, or freeze.
Matt explains it this way: “We are not recalling it, we are reliving it.” That distinction matters because it means the solution is not more thinking. It is helping the nervous system complete the processing it could not finish during the original event.
Related: Understanding distress and the nervous system.
What Is EMDR and How Does It Work?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) uses bilateral stimulation, typically guided eye movements, to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories. Matt shares a story from his EMDR training practicum. He worked with a Vietnam veteran who had been in therapy five or six times but could never process one specific combat memory. Following the EMDR protocol, the veteran went from a 10 out of 10 distress rating to about a 1. He told Matt, “I have never been able to process this.”
We are not recalling it, we are reliving it.
Matt Gallagher, Behind the Therapy Door
EMDR does not erase the memory. It removes the emotional charge so the memory can be filed properly, with a timestamp, where it belongs.
Related: Therapy approaches we use.
What Other Trauma Therapy Techniques Help?
- Brainspotting. Developed when Dr. David Grand noticed a figure skater’s eyes wobble at a particular spot during EMDR. He held that gaze point, and she processed deep trauma connected to falling during competition. Afterward, she landed the jump she had been failing. Brainspotting accesses the subcortical brain through fixed eye positions.
- Somatic Experiencing. Trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. Somatic approaches help you notice physical sensations connected to trauma and gradually release the stored survival energy that keeps your nervous system on high alert.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS treats the psyche as containing multiple “parts,” each carrying different emotions and protective roles. Trauma work in IFS involves accessing the wounded parts with compassion from your core self.
Related: Our therapeutic approach.
Related: Which assessment framework is right for you?.
What Can You Do Right Now If You Are Struggling?
Sarah and Matt share several resourcing techniques you can use between therapy sessions or anytime your nervous system feels overwhelmed:
- Butterfly hug. Cross your arms over your chest and alternately tap your shoulders. This bilateral stimulation can calm the nervous system in real time.
- Box breathing. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8. Adjust the numbers to what feels comfortable. The extended exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system.
- Grounding. Feel your feet planted on the floor, or step barefoot into the grass if it is safe, and wiggle your feet until you feel solid and present rather than like you are floating away. As you breathe, imagine drawing the negativity, hurt, and overwhelm up through your body and releasing it back down and out through your foot into the ground, where it can do something productive. This pulls your awareness back into the present moment.
- Containment visualization. Picture a box, a safe, or even a Ghostbusters trap. Mentally place the intrusive memory inside and close it. You are not ignoring it. You are choosing when to open it, preferably with a trained therapist beside you.
“If you have experienced your trauma, you have already lived through the worst part of it. You survived the hardest part.”
— Sarah Thome
Frequently Asked Questions
Is EMDR therapy legitimate?
Yes. EMDR was developed by Francine Shapiro and is one of several evidence-based approaches Sarah and Matt use for trauma. Matt experienced EMDR himself as a client before he trained in it, and he describes it as unlocking memories the thinking mind cannot process on its own. Rather than erasing a memory, it reduces its emotional charge so your brain can file it properly, in the past where it belongs.
How do I know if I have unresolved trauma?
Signs include recurring nightmares or flashbacks, feeling on edge or hypervigilant, avoiding places or people connected to a past event, emotional numbness, difficulty trusting others, and physical symptoms like chronic tension or unexplained pain. If any of these sound familiar, a trauma-informed therapist can help you assess what is going on.
Can trauma therapy make things worse before they get better?
It is common to feel temporarily more activated during trauma processing because you are engaging material your nervous system has been avoiding. A skilled therapist monitors your window of tolerance and paces the work so you are challenged but not overwhelmed. The short-term discomfort leads to long-term relief.
Find Your Communication Style.
You do not have to process this alone. Reach out for a consultation and take the first step toward healing.